Having Sex For The First Time: Everything You Need To Know

Being a teenager is a confusing time, especially when it comes to sex! Sex seems to be everywhere. Some are sexually active, while others aren’t. There’s for sure plenty of lies and rumors flying around. Plus, you watch as your male classmates are praised for having sex while the girls they have sex with are harshly judged and shamed. With all this mayhem, it can be difficult to know how you really feel about sex. In this article, we want to help you form your own ideas around sex, free from judgment and peer pressure. We’ll dive into female sexuality and give you realistic expectations from sex. We’ll also discuss knowing when you’re ready. So, keep reading to clear up any misconceptions you may have!

Women like sex too!

That’s right! Sex is for and about women as well! Women are just as sexual (if not more) than men. But throughout history, female sexuality has been either ignored or shamed. Although attitudes are changing in society, there is still a huge stigma around female sexuality. This can make being a teenager difficult. Rather than embracing these new sexual feelings, we often suppress them. But remember, having sexual feelings is very normal. Women like sex too, and women masturbate as well! That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, or you’re weird. It literally just makes you a human being.

Not interested in sex?

With all that being said, you might not even be thinking about sex. And guess what? That’s completely normal as well! We all develop at different times. Some people start having sexual thoughts at age eleven, while others do not until they’re twenty. There are no set rules for these things. So, if you aren’t even thinking about sex yet, don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you. Just be sure not to let peer pressure or anyone else change your mind. You should become a sexual person in your own time and at your own pace.

Sex isn’t what you think it is

We grow up aware of sex, after all, it’s everywhere! Maybe you’ve cringed your way through an unexpected sex scene in a movie with your parents? Or perhaps you’ve even stumbled across porn? Either way, any media portrayal you’ve seen of sex, is most likely wrong! Sex isn’t quick and hard, nor does it always end with simultaneous life-changing orgasms. Sex can be awkward, funny, and so many other things that aren’t featured in a thirty-second clip. So, don’t expect to be screaming your head off like a banshee…

Pornography is not sex

Pornography is nothing new, it’s existed in some form for centuries. However, nowadays, the porn industry is much more harmful. It’s available at our fingertips, and you can find literally any category under the sun. Porn mostly focuses on male pleasure while women are objectified and often treated with violence and aggression. This is not sex!

According to an online survey by Revealing Reality, more than 51% of participants aged 11 to 13 had seen porn at some point. With the figure rising to 66% for 14 to 15-year-olds. This means that a lot of teens’ first exposure to sex is unrealistic and violent. Naturally, this will affect how they think sex should look and how they should behave during. Not to mention, giving you unrealistic body standards that can cause negative body-image.

Now, this is not to say that you should never watch porn. Porn is actually a great way to explore different fantasies. But, it’s important to remember that’s what it is, a fantasy. It’s not real, and you shouldn’t expect sex to look like porn. Hey, you could check out some feminist porn sites that focus on female pleasure and portray sex more naturally.

How to know if you’re ready to have sex?

So, now we’ve looked at what sex is and isn’t, let’s move on to actually having it. It can be difficult knowing whether you’re ready to have sex, given how much external influence is all around. But, deciding to have sex is a personal choice that only you should make. It’s something you should think carefully about and only do if you’re 100% sure. According to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in Britain, 52% of young women and 44% of young men were not ready to have sex when they lost their virginity. This is sad yet unsurprising, but that doesn’t have to be you! Thinking about having sex? Then ask yourself these five questions.

1. Why do I want to have sex?

Think about the real reason you want to have sex. You should be genuinely curious about the physical and pleasurable sides of sex. In contrast, bad reasons to have sex include:

• because everyone else is having sex;
• because your partner is pressuring you;
• because your partner will break up with you if you don’t;
• because you’re the only virgin out of your friends;
• because you want to get it “over and done with”;
• because you think it will make you popular;
• because you think sex will give you love or respect.

  If any of the above is the reason you want to have sex, then you are not ready. You should only have sex because you want to and not to please anyone else. Having sex for the wrong reasons will only cause upset.

2. Under what circumstances do I want to have sex?

Ideally, the first time you have sex will be within a committed and loving relationship. Sex within a relationship is more enjoyable and an overall happier experience. According to researchers at the University of Tennessee, positive first-time experiences are predictive of emotional and physical satisfaction later in life. Candidates that felt loved and respected by their first partner, felt more emotionally satisfied in later encounters. So, think about how you want to have sex for the first time.

3. Do I trust the person?

It’s important to always choose a sexual partner wisely, especially for the first time. Ideally, wait until you’re in a relationship to lose your virginity. But also consider if you trust the person. Do you respect them, and do they respect you? You don’t want to have sex with someone who will be weird about it afterward. The best way to figure out if you trust them is to wait. Spend some months getting to know each other before you agree to have sex. This way, you’ll also filter out those just looking to have sex.

4. Do I feel comfortable talking about sex?

Before you and your partner have sex, you should talk about it first. Discuss your expectations, fears, and contraception options (more on that later). If you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with your partner, then consider if you’re really ready. Of course, it’s normal to feel nervous for the first time, but if you’re ready, you’ll also feel excited.

5. Do I enjoy touching myself?

As we said before, there’s nothing shameful about masturbation. It’s normal and healthy! Before you involve another person, it’s a good idea to explore your body on your own. This will make sex more enjoyable as you’ll know what you like. Plus, the more you know your body, the more confident you’ll be. If you don’t like the idea of touching yourself, then maybe you aren’t ready to have sex…

How to plan for sex

If you’ve asked yourself our five questions and realized you’re ready to have sex, you’re probably wondering what happens next. Before you get down to it, we advise you to:

• Talk with a trusted adult: this can be a parent, sibling, or anyone else close to you. It might feel embarrassing to talk about these things, but it shouldn’t be. Someone older can help you get condoms and other contraceptives, as well as provide you with emotional support.
• Discuss the ins and outs with your partner: figure out where you will have sex and when. You will want privacy and a comfortable place. Also, discuss your contraception options.
• Start slow: you don’t have to rush into full-on sex straight away. You could experiment with fingers and oral first. Take your time and explore each other’s bodies.

Practicing safe sex

It’s crucial to protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Once you’ve established you will have sex, go to a doctor. You could go with a family member or friend, or even find a sexual health clinic in your local area. There, they can provide you with condoms and go through your birth control options. Remember, always use a condom each time you have sex!

When is it okay to not use condoms?

If you’re in an exclusive relationship and on birth control, you can choose not to use condoms. However, this decision is a conversation that should take place first and never be a given. If your partner has had other sexual partners before you, ask them to get screened for STDs. Don’t feel embarrassed or impolite for asking this, it’s a very normal part of sex and relationships. Sometimes, a partner may not want to use a condom, but you should always insist. Don’t feel silly for standing your ground. Practicing safe sex is an act of love towards yourself!

What to expect from your first time?

So, you’ve done all your planning, got your condoms ready, but what can you actually expect from your first time? Well, we’re going to give you some realistic expectations that aren’t always spoken about.

1. You might feel many emotions

It’s completely normal to feel a range of emotions before your first time. These can include:

• excited;
• scared;
• nervous;
• eager;
• self-conscious about your body;
• worried about being ‘good’.

Everyone will feel these emotions to some degree before their first time. It’s normal! With time and experience, feelings such as nervousness and self-consciousness will fade!

2. It might hurt…a lot

We’re not going to sugarcoat it for you, your first time can be painful. This shouldn’t put you off though. Ask your partner to be gentle and take it slow. You could also purchase a water-based lube beforehand. You can use it to make your vaginal opening and inside wetter, which will make penetration easier.

3. You might bleed

Your hymen is a piece of fleshy skin that covers or partially covers your vaginal opening. When you have sex for the first time, the hymen stretches or tears, which can cause bleeding. This is what people refer to as “popping your cherry”, however, this expression is largely inaccurate. You might have actually torn your hymen already from riding a bike or inserting a tampon. Some people bleed a lot, while others don’t bleed at all. However, if you’re nervous about bleeding, discuss this with your partner first, so they know what to expect. You could also place a towel down and keep some wet wipes on hand!

4. It might not be so romantic

In movies, losing your virginity is always super romantic, with candles and roses. But the reality is far from this. It will likely be awkward and uncomfortable as neither of you has a clue what you’re doing. This is completely normal — it can take a while to get into the swing of things!

5. It might not last that long

If you’re having sex with a person with a penis and it’s their first time as well, chances are it will be over in minutes. It’s normal! All that excitement plus nerves can make it difficult to last very long. Just be kind and patient. Remember, they’re probably just as nervous as you are.

6. You might not have an orgasm

Unlike in movies, the chances of having an intense and noisy orgasm thirty seconds into sex are slim to nothing. You might not even have one at all and that’s totally normal! A combination of nerves and inexperience is to blame. In reality, an orgasm isn’t something that just happens because you’re having sex. No, no, they require work and concentration. You need a clear mind, the right position, and plenty of clitoral stimulation. But, you’ll learn these things with practice. Remember, some people find it easier to orgasm than others. And while orgasms are great, they shouldn’t be the goal of sex!

7. It’s messy

Another part that gets left out of movies is the post-sex clean-up. Once you’ve finished, you and your partner should both clean your genitals. Sex can be sweaty and messy. Plus, you should always pee immediately after sex to prevent developing a urinary tract infection (UTI). There’s plenty of time for cuddling and pillow talk once you’re fresh and clean!

8. You might feel underwhelmed

After your first time, you’ll likely think “is that is?” and fail to understand what all the fuss is about. Yep, that’s normal. Like most things in life, practice makes perfect with sex. It can even take years before you start having mind-blowing sex. Just hang in there!

9. You might not want to have sex again

Maybe it was painful or too uncomfortable? Either way, it’s not uncommon to lose your virginity and then not have sex again for some months or even years. Again, it’s all normal. Remember, just because you’ve had sex once doesn’t mean you are obliged to keep having more sex!

10. You can say stop whenever you want

This is important to remember. Just because you’ve agreed to have sex, you can still change your mind, even halfway through! If you feel uncomfortable or don’t like it, tell your partner to stop. This is something you should discuss beforehand, so you both understand that stop means stop straight away.

11. Just have fun with it

Sex is supposed to be fun, right? So, stop worrying about how good you are, or if your partner is enjoying themselves and just have fun! The more you relax, the more enjoyable it will be.

The importance of foreplay

You’ve probably heard of foreplay. Well, be sure to include plenty of it during your first time. Foreplay is the sexual activity that comes first and prepares your body for sex. This can be kissing, dry-humping, finger play, and oral. It’s crucial for an overall more satisfying sexual experience! The benefits of foreplay include:

• making you wetter, so penetration is easier (and less painful if it’s your first time);
• preparing your mind for sex;
• building emotional intimacy between you and your partner;
• making it easier to reach orgasm during sex;
• and finally, it’s fun!

If your partner tries to skip past foreplay and straight to the main event, ask them to slow right down. Incorporating plenty of foreplay will lead to a more satisfying experience for both of you!

Don’t forget your clitoris

Your clitoris is that little piece of skin that looks like a pea at the top of your vulva. And guess what? This tiny magical piece of skin has no other function aside from pleasure! That’s right, your clitoris has more than eight thousand nerve endings, which is twice as many as a penis. Although this body part is ignored in media portrayals of sex, it will be crucial throughout your sex life. Most people with vaginas struggle to orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, with the clitoris being the real star of the show! So don’t forget to include plenty of clitoral action during foreplay and sex.

Go at your own pace

There are many misconceptions out there about sex. This makes knowing how you feel about it confusing. It’s important not to let anyone else influence you. Remember becoming a sexual person is something you should do for yourself and at your own pace! If you aren’t even thinking about sex yet, that’s completely fine. Or if you can’t wait to have sex, that’s fine as well! For more tips on how to navigate this confusing time, check out Beginning.com’s Adolescence library catalog. We’re here for you each step of the way as you enter adulthood!