How to Heal After A Toxic Relationship And Learn To Love Yourself Again

One in three women will be in an abusive relationship at some point in their life. If you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship, you’ll know they can shake you down to the core. You come out feeling worn-down, broken, and full of self-doubt. Going through a breakup will always be difficult. But going through one after months or years of someone chipping away at your self-esteem can seem impossible. It isn’t though. With time, you will heal from what you’ve been through. You may never be the same person again, but you can learn to love and forgive yourself. In this article, we’ll look at how to heal after a toxic relationship and rebuild your self-esteem.

There is no shame

Shame is a common feeling that emerges after a toxic relationship. Maybe you’re ashamed for staying so long or for tolerating such behavior? You shouldn’t feel this way. Toxic relationships are a lot more common than you think. However, due to shame, people often don’t open up about it. There’s nothing embarrassing about being in a toxic relationship or staying in one way past its expiry date. You’re only human, and humans make mistakes. Plus, most people don’t even realize just how toxic the relationship was until they’ve had time away to reflect on it. Learning to forgive yourself will be a huge part of this healing process.

Why do people stay in toxic relationships?

It’s so simple advising a friend to walk away from their toxic partner. In fact, it’s glaringly obvious what they should do. Why would you want to be with someone who’s making you miserable? However, when you’re the one in a toxic relationship, it’s not that easy. In reality, there are plenty of reasons why people stay in a bad relationship. Regardless of your awareness about what was happening, something kept you stuck to your partner. Common reasons people stay in a toxic relationship include:

• not wanting to be alone;
• growing up with parents in a toxic relationship;
• fearing change;
• fearing their partner’s reaction;
• having children with their partner;
• financial dependency on their partner;
• emotional dependency on their partner;
• being manipulated by their partner;
• not having a support system;
• not realizing the relationship is unhealthy;
• having low self-esteem;
• loving their partner;
• feeling sorry for their partner;
• and finally, due to societal or religious pressure.

If any of this rings true for you, it’s important not to feel guilty. Toxic relationships are extremely complex. Walking away is never easy and usually requires plenty of thought and effort beforehand.

Suffering in silence

The shame and guilt of being in a toxic relationship makes people keep quiet about it. Plus, the toxicity mostly takes place in private so, to the outside world, everything seems fine. An Instagram poll found that 82% of LSE students claimed to have been in a toxic relationship at some point. That’s a staggering amount, yet it’s still not something we’re discussing.

There’s very little research out there about toxic relationships. Most studies focus on teenagers or domestic violence rates. In reality, people of any age can be in a toxic relationship. Likewise, physical violence isn’t the only attribute of one. Remember, toxic relationships are much more common than you think. So, you shouldn’t feel ashamed for having been in one.

12 helpful ways to heal after a toxic relationship

1. Go zero contact

Toxic relationships are often about power. Leaving a toxic partner signifies their loss of power and control. To regain control, they might pull out all the stops to get you back. This can be by charming, manipulating, or even threatening you. Going zero contact is the best way to protect yourself and stay true to your decision. Block their number, remove them from social media, and take measures to ensure they can’t contact you. If this isn’t possible, say you have kids, then only engage with them about the kids. The moment they start talking about something else, cut the conversation.

2. Embrace your emotions

Healing from a toxic relationship is full of ups and downs. You may feel sad, angry, anxious, afraid, lonely, relieved, confused and many other emotions. Remember, no matter how you are feeling, it’s valid. At each step of your journey, embrace everything you feel. Don’t try to bury your emotions or distract yourself. Sit with them and really feel them. It’s the only way to move forwards.

3. Build a strong support system

Your family and friends will be your rock during this process. Lean on them. They love you and will want to support you. Talk to them about what happened. Everyone has their own experience of toxicity on some level, and hearing other people’s stories can help you heal. If you don’t feel ready to share just yet, plan day trips and fun activities together. You can still enjoy life even if you’re in pain.

Bonus: if your relationship caused your other relationships to suffer, take this time to rebuild those bonds. Be honest about what happened with your friends and family. They’ll understand and will want to help.

4. You’re going to miss your ex, and that’s okay

Missing your toxic ex is confusing. It can also make you feel guilty and ashamed. However, missing your ex is normal, no matter how toxic the relationship was. It wasn’t always bad, and you likely had some great times as well. So, allow yourself to mourn the relationship. Are you better off without them? Yes! But that doesn’t mean you won’t miss your ex or the intimacy from time to time. Just be sure to stay strong and not message them in a moment of weakness. You’ve got this!

5. Don’t expect an apology

As your self-esteem regrows, you’ll feel angry at your ex for how they treated you. It sucks, but you’ll probably never get an apology or an explanation. So, create your own closure. Instead of wondering why, fill the blanks yourself. Come to your own conclusions about the relationship. You may never get the apology you deserve, but with time, you won’t even need one. Pity will replace your anger, and you’ll just be grateful you’re shot of them.

6. Focus on self-care

A toxic relationship takes a huge toll on your self-esteem. These next few months or years of your life should be all about rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem. To build your worth, factor in some self-care every single day. What do we mean by self-care? Well, self-care activities include anything that makes you feel good during and after it. Some examples include:

• meditating;
• exercising;
• eating healthy food;
• getting a good night’s rest;
• drinking water;
• spending time in nature;
• hobbies like gardening or crafting;
• managing your finances;
• reading;
• journaling.

  After spending so long consumed by someone else’s needs, now is all about you. Devote quality time to yourself each day to do things that positively affect your overall well-being.

7. Detox your life

Use the end of your toxic relationship as an excuse to remove all toxicity from your life. Now’s the time to kick in any bad habits, such as smoking or eating poorly. See this as a fresh start to be the best version of yourself. If the relationship has damaged your self-esteem, start treating yourself with the utmost respect. Even if it doesn’t feel true in the beginning, get into the habit of loving yourself. Take greater care of what you put into your body. Set firmer boundaries. Unlearn bad habits and remove anything that isn’t good for your overall well-being.

8. Rediscover who you are

Take this time to rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. What are your interests and beliefs? Who do you want to be? Make time for yourself and the things that make you happy, no matter how small they seem. Learn to enjoy your own company. You’re so much better off without the relationship. Aim to fall so deeply in love with yourself that you’ll never accept toxic behavior again!

9. Focus on your resilience

Instead of viewing yourself as a victim, focus on how resilient you are. Think about all the times you held it together, at work or in front of your kids. Tapping into that same strength, you can get through this breakup and move on with your life. Channel that strength into loving yourself and getting through those moments you want to reach out to your ex.

10. Be kind to yourself

Instead of feeling bad for being in a toxic relationship, forgive yourself. As you go through this journey, be kind to yourself at every stage. Give yourself the space to heal. There’s no rush. Whether it takes three months or three years, always treat yourself with kindness and love. How would you speak to your best friend if they were in a similar situation? Well, start speaking to yourself like that! You’re only human, we all make mistakes.

11. Reflect on the lesson you’ve learned

Relationships, in general, teach us so much about ourselves. In the next few months, reflect on your relationship and what you’ve learned. What would you do differently in the future? How can you avoid being in a toxic relationship again? It takes two people to make a toxic relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for what happened. But you did play a role. Look back at yourself in the relationship. Were there any red flags? Did you overlook crucial warning signs? Identifying these things will help you avoid a similar situation again in the future.

12. Speak with a therapist

The end of a toxic relationship can leave you feeling broken. Not to mention you may experience depression or anxiety. Speaking with a trained professional can help you reflect on what happened. Plus, they can give you some coping skills to manage your mental health. Remember, there’s no shame in seeking therapy, they’re here to help you. Having someone listen to you can be really validating and help you move on.

Bonus: If you can’t afford therapy right now, why not try a support group? You can find plenty in your local area using social media. Speaking with people who’ve been through something similar can help you feel less isolated. Plus, you’ll get a chance to interact with people who’ve healed. There is light at the end of the dark!

You will heal, just be patient

There are no rules when it comes to going through a breakup, you have to figure it out with each step. Remember to always be kind to yourself. Take each day as it comes and know that everything you’re feeling is normal. With time, you will rebuild your confidence and heal from this. Just be patient. It’s going to be okay!

One last thing…

If you’re struggling to sleep during a difficult time, we’ve got the perfect solution for you. It’s Beginnng.com’s sound journeys! Immerse yourself in three-dimensional soundscapes combining nature sounds, relaxing frequencies, and original music. Just plug in your headphones and listen before bed!