Is Jealousy Bad In a Relationship?

The green-eyed monster. Envy. Whatever you call it, jealousy is an emotion we all experience from time to time. While some are more jealous than others, jealousy will almost always crop up in a romantic relationship at some point. We often consider signs of jealousy a big red flag. But is a jealous partner always a sign of toxicity? In this article, we’ll provide answers to the following questions. What is jealousy? Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy? When is jealousy bad? And, lastly, how can you manage jealousy in a relationship?

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is a very complex emotion that can appear in pretty much any relationship. This means everything from professional relationships to sibling relationships. But in this article, we’re focusing on romantic relationships.

Jealousy usually occurs when there is a perceived threat to the relationship. A jealous partner may be fearful of their partner being unfaithful or leaving them for someone else. Jealousy can appear in a moment of perceived threat. Or can slowly build over time. Other feelings that accompany jealousy often include bitterness, anger, resentment, anxiety and paranoia.

Researchers from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden discovered that men report higher levels of jealousy from sexual infidelity than women. While women report high levels of both sexual and emotional infidelity.

If we’re all capable of being jealous, why is jealousy bad? Well, there are two very different types of jealousy. The type you or your partner experiences can offer an insight into why these feelings have arisen. And more importantly how you can resolve them.

The first is suspicious jealousy. This is largely to do with perception and stems from low self-esteem. A jealous partner in this sense is likely to be insecure, or what we would call a ‘jealous person’. They would feel jealous in any relationship, regardless of the other’s behavior.

The second is reactive jealousy which comes from the situation itself. In other words, it is as a result of the partner’s actions. The most secure person in the world can experience reactive jealousy. A partner who is secretive with their phone, openly flirts with others, or doesn’t cherish the relationship can lead to reactive jealousy.

Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy?

We often associate jealousy with negative connotations. But let’s not forget, jealousy is a very valid feeling that we can all experience. In the beginning of a new relationship, jealousy is especially common. If you’re unsure of where the relationship is going. Or if you’re even on the same page. It’s normal for you or your partner to feel a little insecure and jealous.

But, even if you’ve been married for fifteen years, jealousy can appear from time to time. And that’s okay! In fact, psychiatrists claim that a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship. Jealousy usually stems from the fear of losing your partner and the relationship, which is a very valid concern. Therefore, jealousy in small amounts can remind us just how important our partner is to us. And that we should show our appreciation for them regularly. So, to clarify, yes, a little jealousy is healthy!

And when is jealousy bad?

Too much of anything is bad, and jealousy is no different. In the beginning, a jealous partner can feel quite nice. Flattering even. You may be thinking “Wow, they must really be into me”. While in small doses, this may be true. Unfortunately, early signs of jealousy can be a red flag. A partner who shows extreme jealousy, in the beginning, will often go on to display other toxic behaviors such as:

• possessiveness;
• controlling behaviors;
• manipulation,
• aggression;
• trying to isolate you;
• monitoring your movements;
• checking your phone;
• name-calling and insults;
• dictating what you wear and do;
• trying to ‘catch’ you out;
• and sometimes even physical violence.

A jealous partner deeply believes you are doing something to hurt them. This can make them unreasonable and act out of fear rather than reason. If you are experiencing any of the above or believe you may be in danger, please ask for help. Reaching out to a loved one or a trained professional can help identify what your options are.

And how to spot the difference?

How can you tell when jealousy is bad or a warning sign? In the beginning, it can be tricky, but there are some telltale signs you should look out for such as:

• pushing for commitment right away;
• not respecting your boundaries;
• getting mad when you spend time with friends or family;
• insulting your friends or family;
• or saying things disguised as a compliment such as “you look much better without make-up on” or “I trust you but I don’t trust other men/women”.

Another way to spot the difference is by discussing the situation openly with your partner. If after the conversation, your partner’s jealousy fades, they were likely just displaying healthy jealousy and needed a little reassurance. If, however, their jealousy continues and goes on to cause countless arguments, this is a red flag. Likewise, if you try to open the conversation with your partner and they become defensive, this can be a red flag also.

How to manage jealousy in a relationship?

Like with all relationship issues, you should discuss jealousy openly. If you ignore the issue, it can very quickly spiral out of control.

If your partner feels jealous, try:

• Talking to them about it in a non-judgmental way.
• Listening to any concerns about the relationship they may have.
• Reassuring them of any doubts they may have.
• Compromising on your actions that may be causing jealousy.

  (Remember though, this should be within reason. Asking you to cut contact with an ex is understandable. Asking you to cut contact with any one of your sexual orientation is not.)

Coming back to suspicious jealousy and reactive jealousy. You can often resolve reactive jealousy with open communication and compromise on both ends. In contrast, suspicious jealousy is a much deeper issue. You can gently suggest your partner seek professional help to resolve any insecurity issues. Or, ultimately decide whether the relationship is for you. You alone will not likely be able to reassure your jealous partner. And it will require extensive self-development on their part.

If you feel jealous try:

• Voicing your concerns to your partner.
• Establishing your boundaries.
• Establishing your needs.
• Journaling your jealousy to understand it more.
• Looking within to see where the jealousy is stemming from.

  (From your insecurities, their actions, or a past bad experience?).

• Speaking with a loved one. An outside view can help put things into perspective.

Again, taking into account suspicious jealousy and reactive jealousy, think about why you are jealous? If it’s the former, take into consideration talking with a therapist. Suspicious jealousy often comes from the deep insecurity of not feeling worthy enough for love. It may be difficult or even embarrassing to say this out loud. But there is nothing shameful about feeling this way. With help from a trained professional, you can build your self-esteem and help remove jealousy from your relationships.

Jealousy or intuition?

Sometimes, there is a very real reason for feeling jealous. If your partner does things that make you feel insecure or don’t add up, you shouldn’t ignore this. If, after countless conversations, they are still flirting with other people, for example. Consider if this relationship is for you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like you’re the only one. And not competing for attention.

On the flip side of this, if your partner is jealous and you know deep down that you’re not serious about them. Or are keeping your options open. They may be picking up on signals of this. Again, consider if the relationship is for you.

So, is jealousy bad?

It depends on how it plays out. A little jealousy here and there that you can resolve with a conversation is normal and healthy. Jealousy that causes ongoing arguments and tension is not. It’s all about being honest with yourself and your partner. If you’re unable to resolve jealousy on either end. Then ultimately you should decide whether you want to continue with the relationship. Of course, this is much easier said than done. But a relationship with unresolvable jealousy will only get worse as time progresses.

Before you go…

Dating and relationships are certainly no walk in the park. For more advice and tips, be sure to check out our master classes and articles, only at Beginning.com.