The Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore In A New Relationship

Ah, red flags. We’re warned about them, joke about them, and often overlook them. But learning to read red flags and act upon them, can save you a lot of time and pain. In this article, we’re going to break down some of the red flags that can present in budding romantic relationships. So, keep reading to become a red flag master and remove potential complications from your life.

What is a red flag?

According to psychologists, red flags are a “funny feeling that something isn’t right”. Think of it as your intuition or ‘gut’ trying to protect you. They normally occur when someone does or says something that doesn’t seem right or makes you feel uncomfortable. Red flags as a one-off seem small or irrelevant. But they actually give you a glimpse into a person’s true self and what a future with them might look like. This is why there are some red flags you shouldn’t ignore, to avoid ending up in a toxic situation.

10 red flags you shouldn’t ignore in a new romantic relationship

1. They don’t ask you questions

   When you’re dating someone new, it’s normal to want to know more about each other. But if your new bae isn’t asking you many questions about yourself, it’s a red flag. It can either show that a) they’re self-absorbed or b) not that interested in you as an individual. A healthy conversation should consist of equal questions and answers from both sides.

   Bonus: Beware of someone asking too many questions as well. Especially ones that make you feel uncomfortable.

2. They lie to you

   Okay, we all lie from time to time. But if your new boo lies excessively, this is a huge red flag. Maybe they lied about something seemingly silly like what they had for dinner. Or perhaps details about their past keep changing. Either way, something fishy is going on. And it would be near impossible to form a loving and trusting relationship with someone who can lie so easily (and for no reason).

3. They talk about their ex too much

   Of course, at some point in a relationship, exes will come up. But there’s a time and a place. If they’re unpromptedly talking about their ex on a first date, or keep bringing them up, you shouldn’t ignore this red flag, especially, if they make comparisons. Even if it’s to compliment you. Think “ah you’re so much sweeter than my ex was”. This suggests there are still some lingering feelings or resentment. Either way, it’s not your problem, and you’re not here to be a rebound.

   Bonus: were all of their exes ‘crazy’? No, no, they were doing something to make them ‘crazy’. And you definitely don’t want to stick around long enough to find out what.

4. They’re a serial relationship-er

   Does your new bae seem to have had partner after partner, without ever really being single? You guessed it. It’s a big red flag. Why? Well, after a breakup, we need time to heal and absorb the lessons learned from the relationship. Jumping straight into a new relationship prevents this from happening. It also shows a person struggles to be single and is just pursuing you for the sake of having a relationship, not because you’re amazing, which you are!

5. They’re rude to service staff

   Do you find yourself cringing at the way your new boo speaks to waiters? Yep, it’s another red flag and a pretty big one! The way a person treats someone they aren’t required to be nice to, says a lot about that person, especially if they are being aggressive or passive-aggressive. If you were to stay with them, you’d likely find that aggression is eventually directed at you.

6. They’re too much too soon

   Is your new boo declaring their love for you? Telling you you’re ‘the one’? Or asking you to move in with them? This is a manipulation tactic known as love bombing, and it’s highly toxic. By showering you with compliments, affection, love, and attention, your new bae may actually be trying to control you. Once the love-bombing ends, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse usually begins. This cycle of behavior is often displayed by those with narcissistic personality disorder. A disorder characterized by a lack of empathy and an inflated ego. Love bombing can feel quite nice at the beginning and can last for weeks or even months. Signs of love bombing include:

• giving you lavish and expensive gifts;
• giving you excessive compliments;
• pushing for a commitment right away;
• saying “I love you” early on;
• rushing the relationship;
• introducing you to friends and family right away;
• showing you off on social media;
• guilting you for having boundaries;
• guilting you for having a life outside of them.

  Think you’re being love-bombed? Communicate to your partner that things are moving too fast for you. If they agree to go slower, it’s possible they just got a bit caught up in the passion. But, if they get mad or try to guilt you, this is another huge red flag. It’s best to call it quits before things turn nasty!

7. They’re overly jealous

   Jealousy in small doses is normal and healthy, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. But, if your boo is displaying extreme jealousy, it’s a big no-no! By extreme jealousy, we mean, they:

• are jealous of your friends and family, or anything that takes attention away from them;
• get jealous when you interact with anyone of your sexual orientation;
• accuse you of flirting or being with other people;
• they go snooping through your belongings or phone, trying to “catch” you out;
• and they are possessive of you.

  If your new date is feeling jealous, try talking it through with them. If, after the conversation, their jealousy continues, rethink if this is the relationship for you. A jealous partner will only get worse with time.

8. They’re controlling

   Controlling and jealousy often go hand in hand. To begin with, your new boo might do something small, like order your food at a restaurant. Don’t overlook this crucial red flag as it’s often an early sign of a controlling partner. Other potential signs of controlling behavior include:

• ‘advising’ you what to wear, how to do your hair etc;
• trying to change you;
• isolating you from your friends and family;
• always wanting their own way;
• guilting you for setting boundaries;
• giving your the silent treatment if you do something they don’t like;
• texting you non-stop;
• and demanding to know your whereabouts.

  Controlling behaviors, like jealousy, will only get worse as time progresses. It’s best to nip the relationship in the bud and walk away.

9. They put you down

   A relationship is supposed to uplift you. So, if your bae says anything that makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s a red flag. They might pass it off as a ‘joke’ but it’s far from funny. A person who cares about you should make you feel good about yourself. With time, the insults will likely become less ‘jokey’ and more hurtful. Watch out for a person who insults your physical appearance, personality, friends, family, career, or lifestyle choices. You should be with someone who’s on your team and not against you.

10. They test your boundaries

Boundaries are a set of guidelines that show others how they should treat you. When someone tests your boundaries, they continue to do things, even if you’ve told them to stop or that you don’t like it. In dating, it can look like something as simple as your bae insisting you eat something you’ve said you don’t like. Or something more serious like being pressured into sex. Only you know what your boundaries are and only you can set them. Some potential partners may subconsciously test your boundaries to see what they can get away with. This it’s why it’s crucial to set them and walk away if they continue to be ignored.

How to respond to red flags?

Depending on the red flag and how serious it is, there are different approaches you can take. You can try:

• Giving it some time: this applies to minor things like if your bae says something silly on the first date. If it doesn’t happen again, maybe they were just nervous? If they persist, it’s not looking great.
• 3 strikes and out: this is similar to giving it some time. If they say or do something you don’t like, communicate this to them. Give them two more chances to improve. If not, bid them a fair goodbye.
• Communicating the issue: this is a part of setting your boundaries. If your new boo does something you don’t like, tell them. If they don’t do it again, it was likely just a misunderstanding. If they continue to do it, it’s a huge red flag.
• Walk away: if you’ve tried giving it some time and communicating the issue, yet they continue. It’s time to evaluate if you want this person in your life.

  It’s worth mentioning that some red flags warrant walking away as soon as they occur, especially if you feel unsafe.

Why do we ignore red flags?

We’ve all ignored a red flag from time-to-time, and regretted it later down the line. It’s these experiences that help you to grow and be wiser in the future. But, if you continually ignore red flags and end up in trouble because of it, it could help to think about why. People often overlook red flags due to:

• giving the person the benefit of the doubt;
• feeling a strong connection to the person;
• really wanting to be in a relationship;
• hoping the problem will go away;
• having low self-esteem;
• lacking boundaries;
• and lacking confidence.

  If any of the above sounds like you, try speaking with a trained professional to work on building your self-esteem. The more confident you feel in yourself, the easier it will be to act on red flags.

One last thing…

The sooner you act on a red flag, the less damage will be caused. There are so many amazing people out there, you don’t need to waste time with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself! For more advice on relationships, check out our blog library. Only at Beginning.com.