5 Difficult Conversations You Should Have With Grandparents
You love your parents and are grateful for having them in your and your family’s lives. But when the grandparents start letting your kid have ice cream for breakfast, lecturing you on your parenting skills, or not showing up enough, some difficult conversations must be had. Of course, nobody likes “having difficult” conversations, especially when trying to build happy and loving families. But the sooner these talks happen, the better it will be. So here are five important conversations you must have with the grandparents.
Who’s in charge?
When there’s a new addition to the family, everyone starts to give their “two cents” about parenting. Grandparents are certainly no exception to this! After all, they have been around longer and have decades of experience having raised you or your partner. They might be eager to share their wisdom with you. And although this can be a blessing, it can also be a bit of a headache. Afterall, Granny and Grandad might have “outdated” parenting philosophies, which can make you feel judged or cornered. What’s more, these contrasting views can overwhelm and confuse your child, making them wonder who’s in charge?
The conversation:
It’s time to establish healthy boundaries! This phrase makes many people nervous, but it’s absolutely necessary. Kindly remind your parents or in-laws that, although their advice is very welcome, you would like to develop your own parenting style and that you have a philosophy and values you would like your children to follow. If your child is old enough, explain that their grandparents might have some rules that do not apply at home.
Gifts
Many grandparents love to demonstrate their love by showering their grandkids with tons of presents, treats, or even money. Of course, this makes both parties happy. But, as a parent, you fear this extra generosity may spoil your child. Why do grandparents do it in the first place? According to psychologists, this happens because grandparents already dealt with the exhausting and hyper-responsible job of raising you or your partner. Now, they don’t have to deal with their grandkid’s tantrums and unruly behaviors, so they are free to be playful and fully adoring. So once you understand this, it’s easier for you to empathize with them and let a few things go. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t act if you believe your child is being too spoiled.
The conversation:
Don’t be afraid to set some guidelines. Tell Nana and Papa that, although a few small presents are harmless, expensive or over-the-top gifts should be left for special occasions, birthdays, or holidays. Remind them that there are better ways to show their affections besides material stuff, like spending quality time together, talking over the phone regularly, or going for ice cream.
Allocating visits
If you have positive and loving relationships with your parents and/or in-laws, you’ll likely want them to play active roles in your child’s life. However, some grandparents may be overenthusiastic and may want to spend as much time with their grandchildren as possible, interfering with your plans. They may even ignore COVID-19 regulations just to see them. None of these scenarios are good.
The conversation:
Tell the grandparents that you want them in your family’s life. However, remind them that your kid needs one-to-one time with you or your partner to deepen the bond. Let them know that you also need time alone with your child to grow as a parent and develop your parenting skills. And, remind them that, as much as you want them to see their grandchildren, they need to comply with COVID-19 regulations, and that there are always good opportunities to interact with each other like zoom calls or social distancing visits. After all, you want everyone in your family to be safe and healthy — it comes from a place of love, not judgment.
Poor diet and other unhealthy habits
Are your parents or in-laws a bit too fond of fast food and sugary snacks? Do they drink and/or smoke? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it’s time to act. An unhealthy diet can harm your child’s health and also make them reject traditional, homemade meals. In addition, having a regular smoker around your kid can damage their lungs and increase their risk of developing asthma.
The conversation:
Talk to the grandparents and tell them you want to prioritize your child’s health. That’s why they should minimize their fast food and sugar consumption as much as possible. If they struggle with this, try to cook for them, make a “lunch-box” for your little one or teach the grandparents a couple of easy recipes. Also, let them know that smoking and drinking around their grandchild is forbidden. If they try to bail themselves out of the conversation, refer them to expert publications that clearly explain why these unhealthy habits are dangerous for children.
Difficult commuting
If nanny and pops live too far away, or even in another country, spending time together can become a hassle. They may want to spend all the holidays together as a family or, in contrast, may feel discouraged to visit. For many families, this is an issue that can be resolved by buying plane or train tickets for the grandparents or traveling back home themselves. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same economic means.
The conversation:
If you are struggling with traveling to another city or country, be open about it. Talk it out with your parents or in-laws and let them know that, as much as you would like to, you are unable to do so because of economic reasons or COVID-19 restrictions. Try to arrange video calls and fun, virtual activities as much as possible. Although this is by no means a replacement for physical affection, it does help you feel connected.
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